10. joulukuuta 2013

Alive

It's good to be alive.
By that I truly mean what I say: feels great to be alive.
I've been writing about being diagnosed with major depression almost two years ago mostly in Finnish. The reason for that is as simple as Finnish being my mother tongue, and thus making my writing more colorful - with meanings with greater depth. I apologize for that.

Now that I'm finally getting back - being the person I a m and h a v e been all my life I started to think about Peter Pan - a boy with elf-like ears and dark red hair. Peter symbolizes childhood for me, mostly in a good way. He may act selfish and careless but, yet, defends childhood and, I think, that inner child we all have in ourselves. Or that's something I personally treasure myself. I never want to grow up if it means being dull, being too conscious of one's actions, being too crafty... If I had to sum up my life in one sentence that sentence would definitely be: "If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!" (J.M. Barrie) 

Why I address all this with first telling how I was diagnosed with major depression almost two years ago leads back to the matter that when I felt most depressed I couldn't find any happiness - not in my past, in my future, or in my present, either. I had put that inner child of me somewhere I couldn't find her, I didn't ever remember her, her existence. I lived in my past.

There are people who (say they) live in the moment. I guess I'm one of those people who try and live in the moment but who also plan for the future to make it a better one. By doing that I also treasure my past, try to raise things that I want to keep with me, in me. When I had those feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness I couldn't find any happiness in my past, in my future, in my present. My past = mistakes, wrong choices, my future = no hope, black hole,  my present = emptiness and depression. Now that I think back it seemed like I only had made mistakes in my past, mistakes that had ruined not only my future (not to mention my present) but also all the relationships I had made in my past. And that's something I didn't recognize in me - I have always had (big) hopes for the future (travels, relationships, hobbies...) but, yet, have I always lived my life, if not to the fullest, to the limit. 

All this being said I start making (big) plans, not only for my future, but also for my present.

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."
J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Uppsala, Sweden, winter of 2001: Someone was knocking on my door. It was Mike, my Australian roommate. - Hey, Johanna! It's snowing outside! - Gosh, Mike, I'm sleeping. I hate snow! - Johanna, let's go outside...